


The Bucket List

by marblehead



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Frisk (Undertale) Is a Sweetheart, Gen, Mute Frisk (Undertale), Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Queerplatonic Relationships, Reader Is In College, Reader Is Not Kris (Deltarune), Reader does not have a gender, Reader does not have a name, Reader is not Frisk or Chara (Undertale), Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Undertale Monsters on the Surface, but this isn't a college au, i know it's overwhelming, nonbinary reader, sorry for all the tags, there will be an underlying sense of urgency throughout this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26221366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marblehead/pseuds/marblehead
Summary: Reader plans their own death, and no one knows about it. They create a bucket list of things they want to do before they go, planning on spending time with all their new friends.(Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and symptoms of depression. This is very sad.)
Relationships: Alphys (Undertale) & Reader, Alphys/Undyne (Undertale), Asgore (Undertale) & reader, Frisk (Undertale) & Reader, Mettaton (Undertale) & Reader, Napstablook (Undertale) & Reader, Papyrus (Undertale) & Reader, Sans (Undertale) & Reader, Toriel (Undertale) & Reader, Undyne (Undertale) & Reader
Comments: 44
Kudos: 108





	1. Making Plans

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy!! This is my first Undertale fic! I know I'm a bit late to the party, so this chapter is just a test run of what I'd like to do.
> 
> Each chapter will be a bucket list item, and be dedicated to a different character. If you enjoy this format idea, please let me know!! I'd also very much appreciate a comment if you like this chapter; it would mean the world to me :-)
> 
> Please enjoy the beginning of this story!
> 
> (A/N: If you are considering suicide, please reach out for help. I do not encourage self harm. My socials are on my profile if you need someone to talk to, along with a link to a masterlist of helplines. Take care of yourselves. I love you.)

When it gets to be late at night, your mind runs wild.

It’s not that you’re uncomfortable or anything! As a matter of fact, you feel pretty damn content with where you are right now. Since you’re staying the night at Asgore’s place, he’d laid out an inflatable mattress for you. Snuggled up in your blanket, staring at the stars through the glass panes in the ceiling, you almost feel better than you do when you’re at home. Right now, you’re living with Toriel and Frisk, but occasionally you like to spend nights with your other friends. It’s good to get out of the house every so often; as much as you love Toriel, she can be a bit overbearing.

But it didn’t seem to make a difference whose house you were at or how you were being treated. Because once the sun starts to go down, bad thoughts always worm their way into your mind.

About a year and a half ago, the monsters came out of the underground. You were beyond excited to meet them - heck, it was the only thing that had excited you in months. Quickly, you went from living paycheck to paycheck in a shitty apartment, to living with Toriel and having what felt like a loving family. Before the monsters you’d been tired and empty, and being happy seemed like a foreign concept. But after the monsters showed up, some of your spark returned. You could feel the emotion coming back to you, and for the first time in years, you felt truly happy.

However, it didn’t last very long, and a month or two after being introduced to the monster race, the initial excitement began to fade. You returned to the rhythm of normal life.

Normal, meaning all your interests begin to seem boring again. Normal, meaning you don’t leave the house. Normal, meaning you begin to realize that you don’t care as much as you thought you did. That sort of normal. And no one seems to notice that you can’t feel much of anything. For beings made out of magic, the monsters really don’t have a very good perception of how others are feeling.

So in an attempt to feel again, you begin to do things you don’t want to do.

You babysat Frisk (though you couldn’t fathom why they’d need to be looked after). Toriel always appreciated the extra help. It was fairly easy, really. You played video games with them, made sure they showered and took care of themselves, and maybe went on a walk if Toriel was gone long enough. Once she returned from her errands, she complimented your willingness to help out, paid you twenty bucks, and smiled, saying _what a helpful human you are!_ And you felt helpful. Until you didn’t anymore, and you had to find something else to feel with.

You hung out with Sans and Papyrus even if you were exhausted or needed time to yourself. They loved to travel, go bowling, play at arcades, and they even paid for you if money was tight. Though you hated when they paid for you, it seemed to be no big deal to them - in fact, they even offered to pay, as long as you three got the chance to hang out. _IT’S ALWAYS FUN TO BE WITH YOU!_ they said, _we always have a blast._ With each new experience, you found yourself feeling happy again. Until… you didn’t anymore. Sans took you to a comedy show once, and you found yourself unable to laugh. Papyrus took you to a movie theater, and the popcorn didn’t have any flavor; the movie was boring. So you searched for something else to do, making excuses as to why you couldn’t hang out any more. It hurts, but what’s the point?

You started to help Asgore in his garden, though you feel completely wiped out while doing so. Toriel gave you a disapproving stare and asked you if you actually wanted to help, but you lied through your teeth and said yes. Gardening was nice, but of course, only for a while. You listened to the king tell old adventure stories, stories about when he was younger. War stories. Stories about humans. You’d probably heard the same ones about a hundred times. But you liked hearing them. You wished you could experience everything Asgore had; it must make him feel so alive, so real. When you were done gardening, you smiled as he complimented you. _You’re a wonderful listener. Thank you for your assistance._ He gave you a flower crown that Frisk had shown him how to make, and told you to never give up. And you don’t. You keep going, gardening and listening to stories. It was calming and eased your mind.

Until it didn’t anymore. You gave up.

You couldn’t find any reason to keep doing things, so you stopped doing them. Eventually, people stopped asking you to do what you used to. Sure, they _seemed_ concerned, but that’s just because you stopped doing things for them. So maybe you needed to find something to do for yourself? You began your search. You could only think of one thing to do. College.

You told Toriel you were thinking of applying, and she squealed with excitement. _What a wonderful idea!_ After enough pressure from her, you applied for community college, and when you made it in, she was ecstatic. She looked so proud, she was even on the verge of tears after you’d read the acceptance letter to her. She scooped you up into her arms, hugged you warmly, and told you that she was so happy for you. She even said that she was going to make a pie and invite everyone over, just to celebrate your achievement. You knew being happy was what you should have been feeling, but you didn't feel happy. What did you feel?

In that moment of joy, where your life was seemingly paved out in front of you, you felt nothing. You should have been hopeful. But no, you felt no happiness. You didn’t feel scared, and you didn’t even feel sad. You felt nothing. You managed to force a smile and hugged Toriel back. Immediately after she broke away, you headed to your room and texted Asgore that you wanted to stay the night. He, of course, was extremely excited about this and said yes.

And that brought you here. Staring at the ceiling, trying to think of how to be happy in a world where you feel nothing.

You look into your future. You try so hard to look ahead, at what you want to do and who you want to be. You think closer and closer, even to a month or two in the future. You don’t know. You don’t know! Hell, college starts next week and you don’t even have a major picked out. You don’t want to quit, but you don’t know if this is what you want to do. No direction… you don’t want to work for the rest of your life. What’s the point?

You can’t picture a future where you’re happy.

From your bed you stare up at the stars and you think. What do you want to do before you die?

It’s an interesting thought, and a fair question. You decide to make a list.

So you begin to dwell on what you want to do.

You’ve always wanted to learn ASL. Being able to understand more than fragments of what Frisk signed to you would be nice. And you could translate for the other monsters, too. Maybe Frisk could even teach you.

There was an abandoned amusement park near your town. That would be so cool, to see the graffiti and old rides, to see the leaves piled up in roller coaster cars and cobwebs in concession booths. Maybe Sans and Papyrus would want to go, to see what happens when humans move on from things that no longer entertain them. It would be fun.

You’d always seen adverts for escape rooms on billboards and posters around town. Figuring out how to get out of one would feel like such an accomplishment; it could even make you a little excited. Though you’d grown distant, maybe Alphys would like to reconnect through that. She was basically a genius. And may as well bring Undyne with you too; maybe you’d see her rage at being unable to find a solution.

There were a couple of video games you’d started that you never finished. One of those Legend of Zelda games… the mask one, you think it was. You only got about halfway through before getting bored and quitting, but it would feel good to wrap it up before you… left. Oh, and there was a Pokemon game you meant to finish - that Ultra Sun game! So… finish two games. That wasn’t bad. Maybe Napstablook and Mettaton would be willing to help! They’ve been into games lately. It would be nice to reconnect… You haven’t seen them in a while.

You’d like to start leaving sticky notes for people in public restrooms. It wouldn’t be hard. Just a nice message or two on the mirrors. It would be a kind gesture, maybe it would even make someone smile. You could sit down with Toriel and write some. You could use the quality time.

And… maybe growing some flowers. Calla Lilies, your favorites. Once you were gone, you’d love your ashes to be spread across the flowers. Asgore would know how to help, of course. He knew how to grow out-of-season flowers, so if they were out of season, he could find a way to get them.

That was all you could think of.

So… 

☐ learn ASL  
☐ go to an abandoned park  
☐ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies

What a list.

You couldn't wait to start.


	2. Signing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You accomplish your first list item: Learning sign language. Or, starting to at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter is lower quality than expected ^^’ I got too excited and wanted to publish it ASAP!!
> 
> Please enjoy <3 Comments are appreciated :)

☐ learn ASL  
☐ go to an abandoned park  
☐ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies

It had only been about 3 weeks since you’d made your list, and you’d done absolutely nothing on it so far. But, in the meantime, you managed to keep yourself busy with other things you needed to consider.

You’d done a bit of research on how to come to terms with your own death, and it wasn’t too hard. You understood the general idea of death, and it wasn’t too hard for you to get past the thought that you’d die and everything would… stop. Of course, you wouldn’t break this news to anyone else (because most of the how-to articles you read were for older people or people who had medical conditions), but you could make preparations for people to have it easier once you left. Which meant doing things like writing a will, or giving away some of your belongings to others. You’d save the latter task for last, though, as you didn’t want anyone to get suspicious. 

So far, you’d done a pretty great job of keeping your whole plan secret (though you felt like you’d explode if you didn’t tell someone sometime soon). No one seemed to even notice a difference in your behavior. You’d even go so far as to say that everyone was pretty proud of you at the moment. Why?

Well, it was probably due to the fact that you’d not only made it into college, but you’d been keeping on track with your assignments as well. You’d also been in strangely good moods since coming to terms with everything you’d been planning out. You knew everything would be coming to a close soon, and in a fucked up sort of way, it really calmed you down through the stresses of college and life.

Though everything was going well without your list being completed, you needed to start doing it soon. You didn’t have much time until fall and winter hit, and not everything on the list was exactly a winter activity.

The first thing on your list was to learn sign language. While you certainly couldn’t become fluent in however much time you had left (you still needed to figure that out), you could certainly start learning to hold a conversation or something like that. You knew the alphabet like most people, and you knew thank you. Not that much, of course, but it was still impressive for someone who’d never even bothered to crack open a book about it. You were a little lazy in that aspect.

It would be good to do something for Frisk so they could remember you as someone who cared. Not someone who sat around in their room all day doing absolutely nothing.

Ugh. You hated thinking like that.

When you first started seriously considering your ASL lesson options, you opened up a tab on your computer to look up classes, but you didn’t really find much. There were some cool YouTube tutorials on some random words, and a payment package for monthly ASL lessons. The random words were definitely interesting to learn, but you wanted to have a conversation, not to sign five animals and a time of the day. And the monthly lessons would only be used about three times, anyway. Your only option seemed to be to ask Frisk for lessons - which shouldn't be too difficult to get them on board with. They were a super good kid, always willing to help out.

The only reason you were hesitant was because they were eerily in tune with others’ emotions - and right now, you’re not sure if that’s what you want if you didn’t want people to find out what you were planning.

On the first afternoon you’re free from classes, you go up to Frisk once they arrive home from school. They’re in the kitchen, making a sandwich. Lunch was so early for them, they were allowed some food after school to fill the time gap until dinner. You lean up against the counter, trying to be as casual as you can, and give them a small wave. Looking a little confused, they wave back and smile.

“So, Frisk,” You clear your throat, following them as they leave the kitchen and head to the dining room table, “I was making a bucket list for college and decided I want to learn sign language.”

The kid raises their eyebrows, looking surprised, but smiles at you and nods. They take a bite of their sandwich and look at you expectantly. You glance around, making sure Toriel isn’t nearby, and take a seat next to them.

“I’m sure you have a lot of homework and stuff that you want to do, but if you want to help me start learning, I think it would be a lot of fun. And maybe we can tell secrets while everyone is in the room.” You wink at Frisk, and they giggle, shaking their head at you. They place their sandwich on the plate and hop off their chair, walking into the back part of the house. At first you don’t realize why they left, but once they return with their phone, you smile.

They pull up the Notes app, type something on it, and press a button. A robotic voice begins to speak.

_We can start right now! Do you know the alphabet?_

You smile and nod (though you’re hardly sure you remember it all), and slowly begin to sign each letter, looking up at Frisk for confirmation that you’re correct. Their expression remains the same throughout, giving no indication of how well you’re doing. Damnit, you hate that they’re so good at being indifferent.

Once finished, Frisk smiles and nods, typing up something else on their phone. The robotic voice speaks again.

_You did really good! You just got the letters ‘M’ and ‘N’ mixed up, but those are easy to get confused. Let me show you._

Frisk mouths the letter ‘M’ and makes the sign with their hand, sticking their thumb out between their pinky and ring finger and wrapping the rest of their fingers around their thumb. They proceed to mouth ‘N’, doing the same thing (with their thumb between their middle and ring fingers the second time). You nod and copy the signs, then Frisk has you run through the alphabet again. You smile. You’re extremely impressed at how good of a teacher this kid is. Then again, they saved the entire underground, so you shouldn’t really be as surprised as you are.

They type on their phone once more. _We can try to memorize the letters now! I’m going to spell something, and then you repeat it, okay?_

You nod, and they begin to spell. They start with the letter ‘C’, the letter ‘A’… and, uh….

You think hard, then you remember it’s the letter ‘T’.

“Oh, it’s the word ‘cat!’” You grin. Frisk nods vigorously, beaming. They repeat this, spelling out words of a similar caliber to get you started. After a few more tries, they nod, and begin spelling out another word. This time, there’s six letters, and it seems a little overwhelming. You scrunch up your eyebrows, running through the alphabet in your head quickly. Ugh, thank god you didn’t try to learn Chinese or something, this was torture for your brain all on its own.

Slowly, after seeing the word spelled multiple times, you begin to figure it out and grin when you realize.

“Ah, it’s the word friend, isn’t it?” You cross your arms. Frisk smiles. They look satisfied, typing up something on their phone. The robot speaks again.

_You did super good! I need to go now, but we can do this again tomorrow! You should practice your words tonight to get ready. I have a plan for you._ A smirk spreads across the kids’ face, and you can’t help but giggle. If only your professors were this much fun; you would do all your papers the day they were assigned. Frisk begins to eat their sandwich again, and turns to their phone to watch a YouTube video. Noticing that the lesson is over, you thank them and stand from your chair.

Now, you have other, more upsetting work to attend to.

You head to your room and close the door behind you. You open your laptop on your desk and pull up a fresh word document. You needed to draft up your will, no matter how unprofessional and sloppy it was. When else would you find time to start it?

… Ah, maybe you shouldn’t put much thought into writing this right now… It was just a draft, and while it needed to get specific eventually, you can always take care of that later.

About halfway through writing the draft, you hear your door creak open. You spin around, closing your laptop halfway, and when you turn, Frisk is standing in your doorway holding a plate of spaghetti. They look confused at your panicked movement, but take a few steps into your room. They hold out the plate to you, to which you smile and take the plate.

“Thanks, kiddo.” You smile and ruffle their hair, and they let out a small laugh. It feels forced. You notice them glance behind you at your laptop, but don’t question it.

You’re beyond grateful, because no matter what Frisk had done, they’re just a kid, they shouldn’t have to go through the knowledge that you’re going to… leave.

The child gives you a smile and a thumbs up, then leaves your room, closing the door behind them.

_That was a little weird… Well, whatever. Back to work, then,_ you think to yourself, sighing and turning back to your desk. You place the plate of spaghetti next to your laptop and continue to type.

You feel a little guilty, but manage to shake it off.

You still have so much to do.

☒ learn ASL  
☐ go to an abandoned park  
☐ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies


	3. He Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a trip to an abandoned theme park. Uncomfortable conversations and panic attacks ensue.
> 
> (TW: Panic attack and attempted self-harm in this chapter. Do not read if you're easily panicked.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This chapter is a little wordy and rushed at some points, but please enjoy what I have to offer either way :^)
> 
> I made a spotify playlist for this fic as well! Let me know if any songs should be added :)
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/48IbtCGCbbh74PUsSeJgpD?si=sir3ekWkSkuuT3vAyv7pcw

☒ learn ASL  
☐ go to an abandoned park  
☐ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies

Your lessons with Frisk last about twenty minutes every night; they usually teach you one or two basic words or phrases, and you copy them until you get it right. Lessons are relatively easy to keep up with, but sometimes you accidentally forget them (which is surprising, considering you don’t have much else to do). Luckily, Frisk always makes up your lessons the next day. All they ask of you in return for the lessons is that you use your new (minimal) skills to talk to them so that they can communicate with someone instead of constantly playing charades. It was nice, and you almost feel useful. Even though your lessons eventually feel boring like everything else, Frisk seems to enjoy teaching you, so you keep it up for them.

As long as you get to see the big grin on their face when you learn a new word with them, it’s all worth it. As long as they’re happy, it’s all worth it. Frisk is happy with you, and all you need is for them to remember you as someone nice to be around. You could officially close the curtains on this part of your life; this kind of closure is satisfying enough.

About a week after your lessons start, you go to the living room of your house and plop down on the couch, deciding to make plans for your second list item. You pull out your phone and create a group chat on your phone with Papyrus and Sans. It was finally time to mark off that second list item: going to an abandoned theme park.

You snort when you rename the chat ‘Bone(r) Boys’. You know Sans will be pretty proud of that ridiculous (and frankly, terrible) play on words, but as for Papyrus, he’ll probably try to rename the chat ‘Cool Pasta Lovers’ or something. But you know the name will grow on him eventually, and he’ll find it funny even if he doesn’t admit it. Honestly, you don’t understand why you hadn’t made this chat sooner. The three of you hung out a lot before the shit hit the fan and you stopped talking to them. When _was_ the last time you talked to them? Isn’t it weird to suddenly talk to them out of the blue like this?

You had to calmly remind yourself that none of this would matter in a few months. You just want to see them smile, and that was enough, so you continue what you’re doing without much care. You quickly send a text.

_hey you two!_

Sans, despite having three jobs (or four, you could never tell) at a time, was always the fastest when it comes to responding to texts, so almost as soon as you create the group chat, you receive a response from the older skeleton.

_hey._

You sigh. It was already hard enough to read the tone of text messages in general, but Sans’ tone was damn near impossible to figure out. Knowing him, he probably did it on purpose just to frustrate people. But hey, it worked.

You respond, _the three of us should jam it out soon dude_

You bite your lip anxiously as the ellipses show Sans typing his response. 

But after a few minutes, Sans replies. You breathe a sigh of relief.

_ok. but don’t tell anyone else. they might get *jelly.*_

You snort out loud. _that was horrible. thanks_

_hey, it’s what i’m here for. when and where?_

You take a quick look at your calendar and cringe at how empty it is. You could remember a time when almost every day was full of activities and fun stuff with you friends… but you know that that fun stuff really wasn’t fun anymore. At least, to you it wasn’t. Your phone’s calendar sat empty, aside from holidays and birthdays. Luckily, you shrug it off quickly when you realize that that just frees up more space for you to take this trip.

_some abandoned amusement park about an hour away, thought it would be fun. how about saturday? papyrus isn’t responding but he shouldn’t be busy right?_

_yeah. i’ll make sure he doesn’t work that day. and i can drive._

Suddenly, capital letters overtook your screen. You grin.

_HUMAN, HELLO! IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE WE HAVE HEARD FROM YOU!_

You feel a pang of guilt at the reminder. It’s not like you _wanted_ to ignore them, but despite your intentions, it probably came off that way. You wonder whether your other friends think the same thing. Luckily, you have one more chance with them to make them happy before everything was over, and for that you were grateful.

You’re snapped out of your thoughts by another text from Papyrus.

_AS DEVASTATING AS IT IS TO BE PULLED AWAY FROM MY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TRAINING, I THINK THIS TRIP IS A FANTASTIC IDEA!! BE SURE TO COUNT ME IN!_

Sans responds as if he was waiting for Papyrus to arrive.

_yeah. it’ll be wheel fun._

_AAAAAAGH!! SANS!!!_

You smile and chuckle to yourself, standing from the couch. They hadn’t changed a bit. Saturday was only about three days away, but you could already hardly wait. You’ll go ahead and get your bag packed.

\----

On the morning of the trip, you get up later than you expected. Last night, you set your alarm for ten o’clock in the morning, but it didn't go off. What _actually_ ends up waking you up is a call from Sans. You roll over, take a moment to realize that something in your bed is vibrating, and begin to dig through your blankets for your cell phone. Eventually, you find it and see that Sans is calling. You answer it, confused.

“Hi?” You mumble, wiping your eyes. Your voice is groggy from sleep.

“Yo. Wanted to know if we were still on for today. Or if you were gonna sleep in. We’re waiting in the party van outside.” The skeleton replies. Your eyes widen and you pull your phone from your ear to look at the time. It’s about half an hour after you told them to pick you up. You gasp.

“Oh my god.”

Laughter echoes on the other end of the speaker as you hang up the phone and leap out of bed (perhaps a bit too quickly). Luckily, since your bag is already packed from a few days before, all you have to do is get dressed.

After five shirts, three pairs of pants, and much frustration, you finally settle on an outfit. Not that you like the outfit that much; you just don’t want to keep the brothers waiting for you any longer (even though it’s only been about ten minutes).

You leave your room, bag slung over your shoulder. You mentally go down the checklist of things you have to bring in your head and sigh when you remember that you have to make lunch for everyone. It’s not that big of a deal, really, just another thing you need to do. So, you make your way to the kitchen, toss your bag on the floor, and quickly put together three sandwiches. You carefully pack them all into a bag with a large bag of Doritos, and sling it over your shoulder.

You march outside with your two bags and see Sans’ van. You grin at the familiar car; it wasn’t too long ago that you would take road trip after road trip in this car… But, like everything else, it became a monotonous activity. It was a shame, really; you genuinely enjoyed the trips at one point. Going to shitty diners, staying in horrible motels, screaming the words to pop songs… It seems like a different lifetime, almost. But maybe this would make Sans and Papyrus realize that you didn’t mean any harm by cutting them off. You always wanted to talk to them, though you acted like you didn’t half the time. Poor guys, they didn’t deserve this…

Maybe they don’t need you anymore, and doing what you’re planning is what they need from you.

You see Sans sitting in the driver’s seat, though how he even drives the car, you have no idea. He rolls down the passenger seat window and gives you a friendly wave. With it being late summer, it’s way too hot for long sleeves, so all Sans is wearing is a plain white t-shirt and shorts.

“yo. feel free to throw your bags in the trunk. or on papyrus.” He jerks a thumb to the back seat where Papyrus laid fast asleep. The younger skeleton wore his ‘cool dude’ shirt, which you’ve always told him you liked. You smile. You give Sans a grin and go to the trunk, opening it, tossing your stuff inside carelessly, and placing your lunches gently next to your bag. You grunt as you close the trunk and quickly jog back to the passenger seat, opening the door and sitting down. Once you slam the door closed, you look over at Sans and can practically see the excitement in his eyes when you look at him.

“Hey, calm down, it’s just some park an hour away.” You chuckle, smiling awkwardly.

“but it’s with you, dude. it’s been so long. and there’s nothing better than a good old road trip, yknow? like we used to do.” Sans sighs, starting up the car and pulling out of your driveway. He hands you his phone. “oh, do me a solid. open up that music app and put on our road trip playlist.”

You happily oblige. You’ve almost forgotten what songs you all had decided to add, but as soon as All Star by Smash Mouth begins to blast from the car speakers, it all comes flooding back. This playlist is chock full of absolute jams like this (mostly stuff that you’ve grown up with, or stuff you’ve grown to love over the years of randomly hearing them at parties). Seeing as Papyrus and Sans hadn’t really heard much music before reaching the surface, once you introduced them to this kind of music, they immediately latched onto the bright lyrics and upbeat tempos. Thus, began the road trip playlist.

Oh, and one of your guilty pleasures used to be listening to Papyrus passionately scream-sing the lyrics to One Direction songs.

Usually, these trips were spent singing or sleeping, so when the volume goes down and Sans begins to talk to you, you’re not sure whether you feel uncomfortable or confused. Maybe both.

“we missed you a lot. you know that, right?” His voice is a little too calm, so much so that it could be taken as accusatory.

“Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.” You begin to apologize. Sans glances at you, confused.

“what? you don’t have to apologize for anything.” He avoids eye contact and staring at the highway ahead intensely. “but if you ever need anything, you’d better come to me about it. it’s my way or the _highway_ on this one.” Despite how bad the pun is, it earns Sans a big laugh.

“Thanks. I know it probably seemed like I was avoiding you. I just… needed to figure out stuff.”

“that’s fair. hey, glad you got it sorted out though - unless,” He narrows his eyes at you, “- you haven’t sorted it out?”

“Nah. I got my shit together.” You lie. Sans hums; it seems like he doesn’t believe you, but you’re never too sure what he was thinking. His body language and thoughts never correlated. The dude is an enigma, that’s for sure.

He turns the volume of the music back up.

About ten minutes later Papyrus wakes up and, after scolding Sans for not waking him up when you were being picked up, attempts to hug you around the car seat. You’re reminded of how much you missed him.

Eventually, you get to the road that leads into the park; it’s rather easy to miss, which is why you end up pointing it out to Sans after you drive right past it multiple times. Though you could see the ferris wheel and a couple humps of roller coasters popping out from the wall of trees blocking the park, the road inside was still difficult to spot. The gravel road leading to the parking lot is overgrown with weeds and vines, and, as you pull into the parking lot, you notice that it was overgrown as well. Of course, this was expected, since the park was left untouched for so long.

Once Sans parks the car, you all leap out in excitement and go to the trunk to grab your bags. After this, you continue along, walking to the admission booths just beyond the entrance to the park. A rack of pamphlets sits right inside. You turn to tell Sans that you want to take a look, but when you look next to you, Sans is gone. You look back and he’s standing at the rack holding a map of the park, grinning. You and Papyrus walk over to Sans (confused as to how he got there so quickly), and eagerly wait for him to tell you what seems the most interesting.

“there’s rollercoasters here. looks like some tall ones, too.” He glances up at the roller coasters, clearly visible in front of you. After seeing your expectant faces, he continues talking. “if you two wanna take a look at the park from the top of one of ‘em, you can. i’ll wait with your stuff.”

You look up at Papyrus, who looks beyond excited.

“A SCOUTING POINT!! I’M SURPRISED AT YOUR OCCASIONAL GENIUS SANS.” He grabs another map from the rack, squinting to look at where the tallest roller coaster is. “LET’S GET A MOVE ON!!!” The taller brother tucks the map under his shoulder and grabs you by the hand, leading you right behind him. Sans lets out a quiet laugh as he slowly begins to follow behind, eventually fading out of sight. You know he’ll end up with you and Papyrus again eventually, though. Somehow, he always manages to keep up.

When you and Papyrus reach the rollercoaster, you walk through the wooden barriers where people used to wait for the ride. The wood creaks beneath your feet and threatens to break under the sudden weight. As predicted, Sans is waiting where the boarding of the coaster would have been. He winks.

“keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, leave your bags at the docking station for sans to watch, and most of all, have fun.” He pauses, then quickly adds, “it’s gonna be a _scream_.”

“THAT WAS SUBSTANTIALLY WORSE THAN USUAL, SANS.” Papyrus groans from behind you, plopping his bag on the floor with yours. Sans shrugs, sitting on the wooden floor of the docking area. You and Papyrus take a look at the tracks, then carefully walk from one track to another until you reach a metal path for employees to get to the top of the ride.

“Geez, imagine if we had to climb up those tracks.” You look down at the tracks forming a steep slope next to you, biting your lip anxiously. “It would be like going up a huge ladder. Pretty scary. right?”

Papyrus glances down at the tracks, then turns around to face you. He places his hands on his hips and grins proudly. “NONSENSE, HUMAN FRIEND!! NOTHING CAN SCARE THE GREAT PAPYRUS!! WATCH AS I CLIMB THIS GIANT LADDER AS IF IT WERE A NORMAL SIZED LADDER!”

You open your mouth to protest, but Papyrus is already over the barrier, climbing up the tracks.

“SEE? THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!” He turns to you and waves.

“Be careful!” You squeak, walking alongside Papyrus. “Don’t fall!”

Though he’s putting on a brave face, you notice the way his hands shake as he crawls along. You put a hand over the railing, just in case, but soon enough you reach the top. Papyrus steps over the rail and off the tracks, sighing in relief. “WE MADE IT! AND I DIDN’T FALL!” He looks across the amusement park with you. There’s a ferris wheel not too far away, and you can see a cleared out area with a bunch of booths. Suddenly, you feel something next to you.

“cool. food court.”

You yelp, stumbling back into Papyrus at Sans’ sudden appearance. He’s holding your bags, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“SANS!! DO NOT SCARE THE HUMAN!!!” Papyrus scolds, though he sounds equally as shaken up as you. “THEY COULD HAVE FALLEN DOWN! OR I COULD HAVE FALLEN DOWN!”

Sans chuckles, putting the bags down next to the two of you. “you two should eat lunch up here while i go check out the food court.” He winks. “might be a cool machine or two i can bring back.”

You look at Papyrus, confused, but when you look back to question Sans, he’s gone. Papyrus groans next to you. “ARGH! I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT!!”

After recovering from the strange encounter with Sans, you notice that the view is pretty good. Though it’s only about noon, there are some clouds in the sky that look pretty cool, and the sky is a striking shade of blue. It may actually be a cool place to eat after all. Why Sans didn’t want to join you and Papyrus, you didn’t know, but you haven't hung out with Papyrus alone in a while. Maybe it would be a nice time.

You sit down on the catwalk, taking out the sandwiches from the lunch bag. You pass Papyrus’ over to him and then grab your own sandwich. You scoot over to the edge, letting your legs dangle over the side. For a while, the two of you sit in silence, thinking to yourselves. It was strange to see Papyrus so quiet, but there wasn’t really much to talk about... 

Papyrus wasn’t in the wrong for being so quiet though. He probably didn’t even want to talk to you. Did he even want to be here? Did he even like you anymore? He was always so optimistic, but how could he see any good in what you’ve done to them for months? How could he ever forgive someone like you for just cutting them off and coming back as if nothing happened?

You try to think of how this won’t matter in a few months, but then your mind drifts to how high up you are. Have you even thought about how you’ll do it? Who will find you? Did you even want anyone to find you after? Heights scared you so bad, so you couldn’t jump from anywhere, you could never do it. How selfish can you be, letting other people clean up after you? That wouldn’t make anyone happy.

“HUMAN, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” Papyrus asks, interrupting your spiral. You realize you’ve been holding your sandwich and not eating. Papyrus is staring at you, looking worried.

“Oh. Yeah, I’m alright, just thinking.” You reply, avoiding eye contact with the tall skeleton.

“WELL… OKAY!” You hear him respond. Though it sounds like he doesn’t believe you, you’re relieved that you managed to avoid any further confrontation. A cool breeze runs itself across your face and through your hair, calming you down a bit.

“HUMAN.”

Oh.

“I AM UNSURE AS TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHILE YOU WERE AWAY. IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS OF COURSE! BUT…” He pauses, thinking about what to say. “...WHATEVER YOU MAY BE GOING THROUGH, I BELIEVE YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT!”

You bite your lip. A lump forms in your throat. No, you couldn’t cry now! You close your eyes and take slow, deep breaths, willing away your tears, and it works. But you can still feel how hot your face is, how stuffy your nose is, and you can still see Papyrus staring at you out of the corner of your eye.

“Thanks, Papyrus.” You manage, swallowing hard. “I’m ok, though.”

The skeleton looks suspicious, but nods, smiling at you anyway. “OF COURSE, HUMAN! AND I AM ALWAYS HERE IF YOU NEED A SHOULDER TO CRY ON! LETTING OTHERS SHOULDER-CRY ON ME IS SOMETHING I PRIDE MYSELF IN BEING VERY GOOD AT!”

You smile, letting out a quiet laugh. You finally start to eat your sandwich, and you begin to talk with him about whatever he’d been doing lately. It doesn’t take long before Sans returns (with news of a popcorn machine that he could salvage) and the three of you carefully get off the rollercoaster to explore the rest of the park.

The rest of the day was spent looking through indoor rides, checking out the food stands that Sans had yet to look through, and watching Papyrus attempt to climb to the top of the ferris wheel (which Sans was extremely opposed to). Too soon, it was time to go home, and the three of you had to pack up your bags and leave the empty park.

Soon into the ride home, Papyrus curls up and falls asleep in the backseat again, and somehow, doesn’t wake up the entire ride home, though you and Sans practically bust a lung singing the whole way. You start to feel tired, even bored as each song fades out and into the next one. You know you should be having a good time, but even as the day progressed, you could feel your excitement and desire to be there fading.

It’s completely dark out when Sans pulls into your driveway and puts the car into park. He turns down the music again and shifts his body to face you. “that was great. we should hang out again. maybe take a long road trip next summer.”

You smile at first, then it fades as quickly as it came. Oh. You feel dizzy all of a sudden, realizing. You won’t be around then. You look down at your lap and force a laugh. “Yeah. Maybe.”

There’s an awkward silence, then Sans replies. “hey, cheer up. there’s always more stuff to do. you’re gonna stick around to do it, right?”

Your heart pounds, Sans’ words burned into your mind. You feel your heart skip a beat, guilt crawling down your back and sending shivers up your spine. Does he know? How could he know?

You force a smile and nod. “Yeah. Thanks, Sans.”

Saying goodbye and goodnight to the brothers is a blur. Grabbing your bags and heading inside is a blur. Greeting Toriel was a blur. Walking to your room and sitting on your desk chair is a blur.

You’re shaking when you go into your desk drawer and dig around in a blind panic.

Sans can’t know. There was no way he knew. If he knew, all your plans would be ruined.

_He can never tell anyone else if you just do it now!_ You think.

You find a razor in the back of your drawer. You hadn’t used it in years, but now you feel like you’ve been missing everything it had brought you. You pull out old bandages blotted with dried brown blood, and put them on the. You hold your arm on your desk, head spinning, and hold the razor at the top of your wrist. You’re breathing hard now, hot tears running down your cheeks. You hiccup through sobs and you can feel your breathing grow uneven and shaky. Your body tenses, more and more until,

You throw your razor onto your desk and lean back in your chair, hugging yourself and sobbing. You can’t do it now. You have so much left to do.

And if Sans knows, he can fucking deal with it.

☒ learn ASL  
☒ go to an abandoned park  
☐ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies


	4. In a Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally leave the house. You bump into Undyne and Alphys and it’s okay. Everything is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the delay on this chapter, my mental health has been kicking my ass so I haven’t had much motivation to write.
> 
> Hope you enjoy :) Comments are appreciated!!
> 
> ps i tried to give alphys a realistic stutter. i hope it sounds okay!

☒ learn ASL  
☒ go to an abandoned park  
☐ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies

The day after the trip, Sans texts you.

_hey._

You just glance at your phone and ignore it. You feel guilt settle in the back of your throat as you pull your blanket back over you and drift back to sleep. You’ve been in bed all day, but you’re so tired. You just want to rest. You just want to sleep.

Three days after: _how’re you feeling?_

You respond: _fine_

His response if immediate, like he’d been waiting for you to say just that.

_cool, that’s cool. glad you’re fine._

Later that day, you give up on being as strong as you had planned on being and fall back into old habits. You tried so hard to resist, but seeing the razor sitting on your desk, practically begging for you to press it into your skin, it was too much to handle. You give in and spend an hour or two sitting at your desk, reconnecting the razor to your body like an old friend. Afterwards, you clean up and lay back in bed, drifting off to sleep with pain ebbing away at your arm. You smile, guilt long forgotten.

Six days later: _yo._

You text back. _i’m busy. text me later._

_shoot me a text when you can. papyrus asked about you today._

_i’m really busy._

Two weeks later: _frisk said you haven’t been doing your asl lessons. you good? give me a_

_*sign* if you wanna talk. lol_

You can’t even bring yourself to smile at the text; you don’t respond.

Now it’s three weeks since you’d gone out, and you’re doing… less than great.

You can’t bring yourself to pick up your phone. You can’t even get up to eat and do your schoolwork, let alone hang out or talk to someone. You’re pathetic. You’re flunking out of college. You’re a worthless excuse for a friend. Sans is still trying to talk to you about another time to hang out, and all you can do is pretend not to notice. You’re disgusting. You want to see him, you know that you want to. But… you just can’t bring yourself to give him more false hope.

You’re laying in your dark bedroom as you’d been doing lately, thinking hard about your list. 

You hadn’t done much on it recently, even though you know you need to soon. There was only about three months until your… deadline. And you still had other things to do besides the items on your list, like give away some of your stuff and move everything out of the house. You didn’t want Toriel or Frisk to be the ones to find you once you did it, of course, so you were definitely planning on moving out soon.

… even though you couldn’t afford a place.

Thinking about all of this, you groan as you turn over in your bed. Your door is cracked open, letting a sliver of the light from the hallway peek into your room, and you can hear Toriel humming something down the hall. It was almost enough that it lulled you to sleep.

Then suddenly, the doorbell rings.

You shoot up in bed. Frisk wasn’t supposed to be home yet. And no one else lived with you, so it had to be a visitor.

You quickly stand, wobbling for a moment, before you go to get dressed. You quickly pull on some random sweatpants and shitty t-shirt. You didn’t look too hot, but when did you ever? It didn’t matter too much how you looked, after all, it was morning, and you were in your own house.

You gently open your door, trying to be quiet as you walk down the hall to just outside of the kitchen. From there, you can clearly hear Toriel speaking with the visitor. Distantly, you can hear the middle of their conversation.

“... haven’t been out of their room in a while. I must admit, I have been a bit worried for them.” You hear Toriel sigh. The other voice, deeper, responds.

“don’t worry, tori, look, i’m sure they’re fine. they talk to you at all?”

You bite your lip, your face heating up. It’s Sans. Fuck.

“No, sadly,” You can almost see Toriel frown as she says it, “they have been rather quiet lately, as well. I am afraid something may have happened to them.”

“hm,” Sans hums, “that’s weird. i’ll keep texting them like i mentioned last week. just keep an eye on ‘em, kay?”

You hear Toriel grumble, then some pots and pans clank around.

“I suppose I will. There is not much else I can do.” She sighs.

“cool. thanks for letting me know what’s up.”

You hear footsteps, then the front door opening and closing. Sans finally leaves.

You feel your face heat up. A lump rises in your throat. Oh, god, they’ve noticed something. That’s the last thing that’s supposed to happen. Were you being that obvious? Was staying inside making them _more_ worried? You didn’t care before, but now, the anxiety feels overwhelming. You feel it all flood you at once.

The hall is suddenly too small. You need to take a walk. Now.

You go back to your room and slip on a jacket, the head back down the all and into the kitchen, where Toriel is making pancakes. She looks surprised to see you, but smiles warmly.

“Good morning! I was about to fetch you for breakfast. What are you planning to do today, young friend?” She grabs a glass plate with two pancakes on it and hands it to you.

“I was gonna go for a walk, maybe.” You respond, taking the plate gratefully. You thank Toriel, who looks relieved that you’re planning on finally leaving the house for a bit.

“It is a lovely day out. Maybe you’ll see a friend or two.” She smiles, turning and beginning to wash some dishes. You hum. Maybe you would.

\--

After finishing your breakfast, you head outside and stop to stand on the front porch to take in the outside. You inhale a deep breath of fresh air. It’s a beautiful fall day; you hadn’t been outside since the middle of August, so when you leave the house and see all the red and orange leaves on the ground, you’re shocked for a split second. You quickly recover, smiling. It’s a lovely day out. Though you probably look and smell like shit, you feel refreshed just being outside, doing this one thing.

Wallet and phone in your pocket, you begin to walk.

Where will you go? You don’t necessarily have to have a destination, but you’d like to at least pick up coffee or something. There weren’t many shops within walking distance of the house… You pull out your phone as you walk down the sidewalk, searching online for any nearby events.

_Oh!_

Today happens to be the farmers market. And luckily, since it’s only about 10 in the morning, you have time to swing by before they close! Sure, it’s about a half hour walk into town, but the longer you’re out, the better!

As predicted, it does take about half an hour to get to the market, but once you get there, it’s all worth it. The smell of popcorn and crepes drifts over to you, and you instantly begin your search for the booths they’re being sold at. You scan the area as you walk around, seeing local farmers selling fresh produce. In a big field behind the market, monster and human kids play together on a giant wooden playset, tackling and roughhousing with one another. You smile. You miss having that much fun. Now you’re… this.

“Hey!”

Someone puts their hand on your shoulder. You spin around, flinching away, but you light up when you see who it is.

Undyne and Alphys stand in front of you, holding hands. Undyne’s hand is still in midair; she was probably the one who’d grabbed your shoulder. Alphys is wearing a cute green sweater, and Undyne is looking as punk as ever in her favorite leather jacket. You’re suddenly hyper-aware of how shitty your outfit looks, how greasy your hair is, and how much of a mess you look like. You’re apparently right about your disheveled appearance, because Undyne scrunches up her eyebrows.

“What’s up, man? You look like shit.”

Alphys gasps, looking up at Undyne. “Baby! Don’t be- Don’t- Don’t be mean!” She turns to you. “You look… okay! We hadn’t seen you in awhile so- so we were a little- a little worried.” She gives you a nervous smile.

Since coming to the surface, you’d definitely seen Alphys come out of her shell - her stutter had improved dramatically, and she’d grown even more confident after she and Undyne moved in together. Meanwhile, Undyne was the same as ever - albeit a bit more gentle than she used to be. The two had certainly mellowed out quite a bit, though they never lost their original spark. You’d never been close with them per se, but you’ve wanted to go to lunch or something soon.

“Yeah, I’m doing okay, I think.” You manage an awkward smile. Undyne cocks an eyebrow.

“Well, you don’t look like you’re doing okay. You look like shit.”

You shrug, running a hand through your hair nervously. “I guess I could be better.”  
“Well, Alphys here has a sciencey trip ahead of her this week,” Undyne puts a hand on the shorter one’s shoulder, “and today is our last _hurrah_ before she leaves for a while. We should hang out or somethin’ today.”

“Oh, I’ve actually been meaning to do one of those escape room things!” You raise your eyebrows, suddenly reminded of your list. “There’s one, like, an hour away, but if you guys want to go…”

Undyne gasps. “Holy shit. I’ve been meaning to get Alphys to do one of those!” She bends down closer to her girlfriend’s face, a twinkle in her eye. “Sooooo whaddaya say Alphie?”

Alphys looks absolutely petrified, but forces a smile. “Sure- Sure! I mean, usually those- those things make me super scared and anxious, but- but- but I’m sure it’s not that bad! How sca- how scary can it be?”

\--

“I’m-m so scared.” You hear Alphys breathe next to you as you’re escorted into the escape room. You and Undyne both burst into fits of giggling, getting behind her and gently pushing her into the room (which takes almost no effort). Once inside, the human employee turns and begins to explain the room

“Welcome! Today you will be investigating the death of a famous author…”

They begin explaining the room, essentially saying that your roles are to be detectives and solve a puzzle before your time runs out.

The employee walks back to the door you entered in once you’re all three inside, and smiles sweetly before closing and locking it behind them. Their voice comes on a PA.

_”You have 90 minutes to escape from the room. You also have two hints, and if you feel the need to use one, everyone must agree before you get your hint. Please refrain from moving any furniture and have fun!”_

The three of you are left in silence. The room you’re all in isn’t terribly big; it looks like a grandma’s bedroom. There’s a large bed in one corner, with an old nightstand next to it. On the opposite wall from where you came in, there’s several bookshelves and a wooden door in the corner. Many knick-knacks are scattered around the room, like candlesticks and porcelain figurines on shelves. There are so many possibilities for what could be hidden, that it’s a bit overwhelming. You and Undyne find yourselves looking at Alphys for guidance. She looks at the two of you and clears her throat anxiously.

“Hey- Hey, why are you two look- looking at me like tha- at?” She wrings her hands, glancing down at the floor, at the shelves, anywhere but at you or Undyne. Undyne shrugs.

“Well, you’re smart. So what do we do?”

“You- you, uh… ” Alphys bites her lip anxiously. Undyne puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and she immediately relaxes. Taking a deep breath, she continues. “Undyne, uh, you can take- look around at the uh- the, uh, furniture and see if you can- you can see anything that could be helpful,” She looks up at her girlfriend, who grins and nods. Alphys turns to you.

“And you can look at the book- bookshelves and decorations for clues. There could be notes or some- something we need. I can- I can take notes and try to piece together what y- you find!”

“Will do!” Undyne spins around and begins to tear apart the perfectly made bed in search of clues, while you turn to the bookshelves, checking each book to see if it’s fake. Upon closer inspection, you find a keyhole on one of the bookshelves. You point this out to Alphys, who quickly types it up on her phone.

After looking around enough, Undyne finds a number code under a candle holder, a locked box under the bed, and a key in the end table drawer. Meanwhile, you find a key behind some books, a riddle under a large porcelain doll on a shelf, and another number code written on the bottom of a glass. Collecting all your clues, you, Undyne, and Alphys begin to piece together the puzzle. Undyne gasps, grabbing the keys and rushing over to attempt to open the door in the corner. When it ultimately doesn’t work, she almost yells in frustration.

“Man, if I were really trapped in this damn room, I’d bust down this door!” She huffs as she walks back to you, placing the keys back with the other clues. You and Alphys giggle, turning back to the pile. Alphys bites her lip, staring intensely at the items. The three of you stand in silence, until you finally build up the courage to speak.

“So… what’s next?”

\--

Turns out, you’re _super_ bad at the whole detective thing. Not that you were surprised, but you did worry a bit that you were just dead weight throughout the whole game. It was rough to keep up the same engaged attitude that you’d had at the beginning, but sometimes you’d find little clues, and it made you keep your head up. At least you could do the least possible amount of work to help out with the game.

Towards the end of the game you discover a hidden room behind a bookshelf; the door in the corner led to a closet with a color code to find the book that pulled it open. Inside the room, there was the solution to the puzzle: the famous author had killed himself because he ran out of ideas and didn’t know where to go.You think it’s a bit of an overreaction, but in a way, you could relate. In a _way._

Thankfully, with Undyne’s headstrong attitude and Alphys’ genius, the three of you managed to complete the game twenty whole minutes before the alarm went off. The three of you cheered loudly as you got the exit door unlocked.

Despite the happiness of the moment, you can’t help but think of how casual the cause of death was. It made you wonder if your death would be as meaningless. You suddenly feel the strong urge to leave.

Luckily, Alphys and Undyne are close behind you as you exit the room, excited to get pictures and maybe a t-shirt to remember the occasion. You politely decline their offer to buy you one, knowing you won’t have it for very long before… 

… yeah.

You feel your body relax as you finally exit the building, and once you get into the car, all you want to do is go home to sleep. You feel drained, exhausted from your trip, and a bit overwhelmed at all the sounds in the city around you. All your senses are stuffy and muffled, making it hard to focus, but then you hear one voice pull you back to reality.

“... listening to us?”

You suddenly realize Undyne and Alphys are both turned, staring at you from the front seat in concern. You feel your face heat up. “Sorry, I got a little distracted.” You breathe. The couple exchanges worried expressions, but don’t question you at all.

“We… just wanted to know if you wanted to grab some shitty diner food before we go.” Undyne explained, grinning at you. You finally realize how hungry you are when, at that exact moment, your stomach growls loudly. The other snickers, turning and starting the car. “That’s a yes, then.”

\--

You had arrived at the diner. It was actually a pretty nice place, if by nice you mean sticky tables and garbage food. It was about 10 pm when you arrived, meaning the only customers besides the three of you were stoners, teenagers, and college students. So there weren’t many people.

While the three of you order and wait for your milkshakes and food (you order fries, Alphys gets onion rings, Undyne gets cheese fries) it’s unusually quiet between the three of you. Before this, you didn’t really get the opportunity to hang out with the couple very much. Maybe it was because you were too busy, maybe it was because you just didn’t think about hanging out with one another. But the silence was a little too awkward to be just that. No, you felt like they were trying to talk to you about something. You just didn’t know what.

“Hey, s- so- so…” Alphys takes a deep breath, “We wanted to ta- talk about what’s been up lately, if that’s- that’s okay.”

“... What do you mean?” You slowly ask.

“Well, we haven’t seen you around much. People are getting a little… concerned?” Undyne shrugs and takes a bite of her fries. “I dunno, to me it’s none of their business but someone asked us to check in.” She talks through the mouthful of food. Alphys nods in agreement.

“I mean- I- I don’t know exactly what’s going- going on, but if it’s anything like what I’ve b- been- been through, I’m always here for advice or- or a shoulder to cry- cry on.” Alphys smiles at you reassuringly, and it’s the warmest thing you’ve felt in months.

At the same time, you feel your stomach turn, and that sick feeling you always seemed to get when one of your friends gave you that same stupid pitying smile settles in the bottom of your stomach; you know the only cure for that nausea lay in your desk drawer at home.

“I’m… fine.” You manage, “College is just kicking my ass.”

Undyne scoffs. “Pfft. Really, dude? You gotta kick _college’s_ ass. It’s just school.”

You let out a breathy laugh and look down at your fries.

Yeah, it’s just school.

\--

☒ learn ASL  
☒ go to an abandoned park  
☒ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies


	5. Bad Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **MASSIVE TW FOR OVERDOSE IN THIS CHAPTER**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! yikes! this took a long time to update!
> 
> ok updates so i was literally gonna DIE before finishing this fic but i didn’t obviously, so here is another chapter!
> 
> was planning on posting this yesterday but my uncle literally DIED so i thought it would be in bad taste
> 
> anyway pls take care of yourselves, i love you all so much.
> 
> **MASSIVE TW FOR OVERDOSE IN THIS CHAPTER**

☒ learn ASL  
☒ go to an abandoned park  
☒ go to an escape room  
☐ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies

When Sans finally stops texting to check in with you, you’re not surprised, but it does make you a little sad. You know that brushing him off every time he tried to talk to you was mean and uncalled for, but you didn’t want him to stop. You knew in the back of your mind you wanted the attention. For him to notice? No, he already knew. For him to be worried? You fucking hope he’s worried.

Why?

Maybe deep down, you wanted him to care. Out of all of your friends, he was surprisingly the most persistent in trying to contact you - up until the past week or so. Now, only Papyrus spared you a text every once in a while: cheesy positive quotes, with stupid cat memes from 2009. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t make you smile a little.

It made you a little guilty about what you were planning.

But you ignore that thought. Right now, you have dishes to do.

You didn’t _ask_ for chores per se, but Toriel had mentioned them in passing, saying she was too busy to do them so she would do them when she arrived home from work.

You’re fine with it. At least it’s better than staying in bed all day...

… And at least it’s better than doing nothing.

Once you finish doing the dishes, you suddenly feel the urge to do more cleaning, to help a bit more. You look across the house to see fur and leaves on the floor, likely tracked in from outside. That simply won’t do. You go into a closet and roll out the vacuum, doing the floors. And once you’re done with that, you find yourself cleaning the kitchen counters, organizing the fridge, and clearing off the dining room table.

Eventually, the door opens, and from your place of clearing the table, you hear Toriel’s voice.

“Goodness! The house looks very clean!”

You turn, smiling. You’re very proud of yourself until you see Toriel’s smile fall into a concerned frown.

“Are you quite alright, dear? You look very pale…”

You shrug. “I feel… okay.”

Immediately, you realize you don’t feel okay. In fact, you feel cold and faint.

Suddenly, the room spins, and your vision fades. As you feel yourself falling, you remember you forgot to eat.

\--

You awake on the couch. You’re laid down with a pillow beneath your head, a heavy blanket on top of you. A warm rag is on your forehead, and a cup of tea sits on the coffee table, steam still rising from it. You hear dishes clattering together in the kitchen, so you slowly take the rag off your head and sit up, placing it on the table. Your head spins and you groan, quickly laying back down and squeaking in pain. Toriel quickly comes around the corner, and her worried expression melts into one of relief when she sees you.

“Oh, thank goodness.” She sighs, rushing to your side to help you sit up. “I was so worried, dear. Are you feeling well?”

You gently shake your head, putting a hand to your temple and rubbing. “My head hurts.”

“Ah, don’t worry! I have left some medicine for you on the table there.”

You thank Toriel, noticing the two red pain pills on the plate holding the tea. You take them with your tea, and soon, you begin to feel better. The pain ebbs away eventually, and you sigh in relief.

You decide to bring up something you’d wanted to talk to Toriel about. Today was the day you finally wanted to tackle another item on your bucket list. You finally wanted to get to playing games with Mettaton and Napstablook, but you weren’t sure if Toriel would let you go now.

“Hey, so…” You bite your lip; Toriel tilts her head in confusion. “I was gonna go out today to Mettaton’s house.”

Toriel stands in front of you, putting her hands on her hips. She shakes her head. “No, you would do much better staying here today. If you are not feeling well, I would not want you running off and getting hurt. Any other time, I may say yes, but…” She sighs, looking away.

“Okay, uh… could I invite them over, then?”

Toriel looks back at you. “Of course, dear. Just stay in the living room, yes?” She smiles at you before heading back out to the kitchen. “I am making lunch, so you can eat before they get here!”

You smile, taking out your phone and quickly texting your two friends that they should come by for some games.

_Hey! Would you two happen to be free to come over and play some games today?_

Blooky responds first. _oh. that sounds like fun actually._

_Is Mettaton free? They seem busy lately, so I wouldn’t want to bother him._

_i thought the same… but they’re with me right now. he says he can come over too. if that’s ok… i wouldn’t want to intrude. or bother you..._

_Blooky, darling, they invited us over, I’m sure it’s alright <3 _

You smile at the emojis. Mettaton was the only one you knew that used them, aside from Papyrus (who used them very sparingly).

_Of course it’s okay! Come over anytime you’d like :)_

You set your phone down, smiling at Toriel as she brings you a sandwich. There’s some chips on the side. You smile, and despite you telling yourself that you don’t deserve food, you dig in. After all, Toriel is standing right there, and you didn’t want her to worry any more than she had already.

The sandwich is good. You didn’t remember the last time you enjoyed food this much.

It felt like a burden to make Toriel do so much for you, though, and a voice in the back of your mind nagged at you to lessen the weight you put on her. To just follow through with your plans now. Don’t wait, just do it. Don’t wait, just do it. Don’t wait, just..

The doorbell stopped your downward spiral.

You start to stand to answer the door, but Toriel was faster, shaking a finger at you to not get up as she passed. She opens the door, and you smile as Mettaton and Napstablook enter the house.

“Toriel, darling, you look absolutely gorgeous!” Mettaton beams, hugging Toriel and giving her kisses on both cheeks. Toriel holds a hand to her cheek, smiling, and Blooky trails in behind.

“hi…... thanks for the invite.” They float beside Mettaton, a small bag slung across their shoulder; you assumed it held their video games.

“I have Pokemon Diamond. I was thinking we could work through the games together.” You tried. Mettaton turns toward you for the first time, and you could have sworn you saw a shocked look just barely pass his features before melting into a cheerful one.

“Of course, sweetheart! This should take no time at all!” They walk past you, sitting on the floor in front of the couch. Blooky follows behind and rests their body (does that count as a body?) on the floor a few feet away, leaving room for you to sit between the two. You oblige. Toriel heads back to the kitchen, but stops before she enters.

“I must head out for some errands, but snacks are in the fridge if you want them.” She smiles. Mettaton and Blooky thank her, despite not really being able to eat anything you have. It was probably directed more at you than them, anyway.

Once Toriel heads out, the three of you begin to gleefully play the games, and for a bit, you’re distracted enough from your thoughts to play without insecurity. You have fun debating on which team is the best, catching different pokemon together, and wondering how the hell Blooky holds his DS without any arms.

After a bit, you feel a little hot from the sun shining into the house, and subconsciously roll up your sleeves to cool off.

Almost immediately, you remember why you were wearing long sleeves in the first place, but the damage was already done. An uncomfortable silence settled among the three of you as you slowly roll back down your sleeve. You’ve never heard Mettaton more calm and quiet in your life. Blooky was silent too, but despite not looking at him, you could tell there were tears coming.

“... Darling.” Mettaton said. It was one word, their catchphrase, but you could just feel how much concern and sadness it held by the way he said it. You shake your head.

“It’s okay, it’s fine.” You simply say, continuing to play your game. You weren’t sure if you were saying that to reassure the others, or just yourself.

“i…... don’t think it is……….” Blooky whimpered.

“Does Toriel know, beautiful?” Mettaton puts their game down and gently runs their hand through your hair. You nod.

“Yes. She knows. It’s okay, I’m getting help, don’t worry.” You lie. He looks a bit skeptical, but nods anyway.

“Wonderful. Just know that you are a star, and the world would be a lot darker without you in it.” Mettaton gives you a sympathetic smile, which you return. They seem satisfied.

“we’re here for you………..” Blooky adds. You nod.

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

The rest of the time, you go back to playing your games, but there’s a lingering discomfort in the air. You feel a bit violated that they’d brought it up. It was kind of a breach of privacy, the way they just asked and didn’t consider how it might make you feel. But in a way, you understand, considering how prominent the marks were. They had every right to be concerned, but that didn’t stop you from growing more and more nervous. What if they ask Toriel about it?

You think about this, even as they pack up their bags and give you hugs on the way out. How many people noticed something off about you? How many of your friends know something will happen?

Now you’re alone. Toriel isn’t coming home soon. Frisk is somewhere, you don’t know. You’re alone.

Tired. Exhausted, even.

You can hear your phone buzzing on the couch next to you, but you don’t want to look at it. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want to talk to anyone ever again.

You shamble around the house, drained. The sun is setting, and the house is growing darker. You could open a window and turn on the lights but you’re even too tired for that. You feel an emptiness settle in your body, and you look around the house a bit. You don’t want to be here. You don’t want to be anywhere.

You take a look in the medicine cabinet. There’s headache medicine, cold medicine… ah. You just decide to take everything. Fuck it.

You scrawl a quick note on paper and leave it on the kitchen table. Some “sorry, this isn’t your fault, etc etc” sappy cliche bullshit like that. You didn’t give an explanation as to why, but you figured you didn’t need one. Guilty as it made you.

With your bag of pills and a bottle of water in your backpack, you head down to town and walk around, waving at people you knew as you passed. You look around, noticing small things you hadn’t before. You last walk through town was nice. It was a nice day, not to cold and not to hot. And the sunset was nice too. Sure, dying was a split second decision, but today was the best day you could have chosen.

That’s a little morbid, huh?

You find an alley, away from everyone. There’s some trash cans with flowers in them, very pretty flowers. You wonder if Asgore knows about this place.

Oh. You forgot about your other two bucket list items.

Sorry Asgore, sorry Toriel.

You wouldn’t be doing the bucket list items you’d planned to do with them.

You open your water bottle and begin taking pills, as many as you could. At first you had trouble, but once you got the hang of it, it was easy. You had no clue what half of them even were, but all you cared about was that they were in your system. It grew darker and darker as you continued to take them, until the only light in the alley was from a streetlight at the front.

You weren’t even close to being done when you began to feel nauseous. You felt dizzy, faint, and somehow hot and cold at the same time. You gasp.

Fuck, this was not the painless death you’d imagined.

Your breathing quickens. You fall over from your crouching position to the ground, gasping, You gag, feeling your body trying to rid you of what you’d ingested. You want to refuse, but it hurts so much, and you gag once before vomiting on the ground. Your vision grows splotchy as panic begins to settle in your chest. You want to yell, but your gagging and heavy breathing prevents you from shouting.

You writhe on the ground before tensing every muscle in your body, willing yourself to calm down.

And to your surprise, you did. An uneasy calm settled over your body; it felt like static. You felt numb, exhausted, and dizzy. The drunk feeling made it difficult, but you managed to hoist yourself up against the wall and lean up against the trash cans.

Ugh, fuck.

You felt consciousness slipping away, bit by bit.

Through your disoriented state, you managed to make out someone coming towards you, footsteps echoing around the alley. You shake your head, unable to speak. Your throat felt like it was ripped to shreds; achy and burning.

There was a scream that you could barely register. You tried to say ‘no’ but nothing happened. The person picked you up; you could feel the pressure under your arms and your body being lifted from the ground. Everything felt like it was underwater.

You’re scared.

You suddenly didn’t want to die, but you wanted everything to end. You wanted to quit.

But you can’t quit at life now. Someone Saved you. You can hear them telling you to stay awake, but you’re so tired. You don’t want to sleep, but you.. you can’t...

You cry until you pass out from exhaustion.

Maybe everything will be better when you wake up.

Maybe this is all just a bad dream.

☒ learn ASL  
☒ go to an abandoned park  
☒ go to an escape room  
☒ finish games  
☐ leave nice sticky notes  
☐ grow calla lilies


End file.
